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Blast From the Past - And Some NewsPosted on 2006-Aug-29 at 01:55 - Post Comment The above picture was taken almost to the day 18 years ago. Blows me away... Friend of mine and I were talking on the phone about old times, how things change, how people change and sometimes are not who they seemed to be, and somewhere through all of that, I started going through old photo albums and found this picture of myself and my daughter. I'm the bigger one, for those who don't know, and my daughter is the one who refused to smile for the photo. (she's the one with no hair, if you were wondering) At this time, you can see, I colored my hair, because red heads were not so popular in the late 80s - ah, the things we do for beauty. Yet, the one who has changed the most is the baby... she's now almost 19 and just started her first semester of college last week. I still have been unable to get the brat boy into jr high school, but we are working on it. Right now, I'm home schooling him, which isn't going all that well. Hopefully, we'll have a decision from the school district tomorrow and he can begin his first day of jr. high on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to having some down and alone time during the day while I'm working... So anyway, got me to thinking a bit about how things change and how people change and how far we travel down the roads of life... the outside is different, but how different am I on the inside? A lot, I think... the whole direction of my life has changed, in fact, over the last 18 years since this photo above was taken. Well, to start with, when this picture was taken, I fully expected that I would be married, have four children, be happy and prosperous, and would be an efficiency expert. Yes, that's what I wanted to be at the time... went to college to get a degree in psychology and then was going to go on to get an MBA and the two combined were going to make me the hatchet lady - you know, the one who comes in and reviews how everything is run, makes all these changes, fires and hires people, impliments new procedures, and then dumps and runs on to the next assignment, leaving the company to figure it out from there. I was young, in love, had this great kid, and had my life planned out almost to the letter. My how things change... I'm not married, although this last year I actually DID propose to someone, sorta... can you imagine? I only have two kids (which I'm glad for now!), I never got that MBA, although at one point I was accepted into the law program at the University of Texas, and I'm now an editor and a writer-freelance, working from home. I'm a bit older, heavier, perhaps a bit wiser, a lot less naive about the word, and perhaps a bit jaded. Not what I had pictured, and many dreams lost or forgotten, but in many ways more than I had ever hoped for with many dreams beginning to come true. All in all, I can't complaint too much, although I still do every now and then. The last year has been a difficult one for me and one of a lot of transition and change. I've gone from complete failure to complete success to complete failure and back again about three times over in the last five-seven years. I've lost money, lost a couple of jobs, lost in love... but I've gained insight, wisdom, and have a job I wouldn't trade anything for. My health has gone from good to bad to worse and back again, and finally has settled at a level I can tolerate. My weight has gone from too thin to way too heavy to somewhere in between and we won't even talk about where that is now. I've gone from pure elation to the depths of dark depression to a state of contentedness... I was talking to someone very special to me a couple of nights ago, and in the conversation he said that if he could give me one thing, it would be happiness... happiness is there, it just often escapes me, for many reasons. There are things that make me feel happy, being happy is something I'm working on though. It will take time, but it will be there. I'm not unhappy though, don't think it for a moment. There is so much that excites me and the future is looking brighter every day. There are things I miss. There are some things I regret and would change if I could, but I do believe that in the end everything that has happened has happened for a reason, and truth be known, everything has lead me to the place I am, and I'm not in a bad place at all. I went out for an early dinner tonight with the kids and a friend of mine, and my son ended up in a giggle fit... something to do with tapioca pudding and maggots... which I guess you have to be a 12 year old boy to know why that is so funny. As I watched him laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath, his face turning bright red... I laughed. I mean, I truly laughed, and in this moment, I guess I realize that when it all comes down to it, there's nothing that matters in this world when you can laugh like that. I envy this in my children. They have always understood this. Sometimes, mom can learn a lot from her kids. So for my news... another change is on the way in my life. I have a contract to write a screenplay and the advance will be released to me in October - this has been one of my dreams, and it is coming true as I type this. I'm amazed. The end of November or first part of December, I plan to achieve another one of my dreams... moving to Austin, where I will be collaberating with a team of writers on this screenplay/script adaptation from a novel. I've dreamed of it for years and now, that dream is just right around the corner. Making this decision was difficult. There are many reason I thought I needed to stay here - fear being the biggest motivator. Fear of the unknown, fear of my own success or failure, and fear of stepping out on that limb to only watch it break. No, it doesn't look like I expected it to, but I've learned a long time ago that our dreams come to us best when we let go of the expectations and let God and the universe bring them to us as efficiently and perfectly as possible. There is another I have hoped would be coming with me on this journey, and we'll see how that all comes to fruition or not, but for now, I'm not placing any expectations on that - just letting it flow the way that God sees fit for me and this other person. Next month, I begin making the plans to make this dream come true... even if it also ends up not looking like I planned. In the meantime, I am living my life as best I know how, doing things the only way I know how, and I'm barely breathing, but there are days that the tears in my eyes are not tears of sorrow, but are truly tears of gratitude for all that the Universe has provided me - I love and am loved well...even though it's not how I pictured it would be. I have hope, family, friends... even though that is not how I pictured it would be either... I am living the beginngs of my dreams, and I can't possibly explain in words, no matter how good of a writer I might be, exactly what that feels like... and in this essence, it does not matter any longer if the dream doesn't look exactly like I pictured it would... it's freeing... releasing... and gratifying in the depths of my soul. Now, it's time to start tying up the loose ends of my life, grabbing ahold of all that matters most and making the most of it, for time is short, and there is so much left to do...and finding the one(s) who will accompany me on my journey and share the path with me as I walk forward into the unknown. At one time, this would have scared the hell out of me. Today, I radiate with joy and excitement of all the possibilities presented to me. To those of you who read me here and have followed my journey this last year, including when I wiped out my blog in February and essentially started my path over again... I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and soul for the support, encouragement, fellowship and friendship you have offered me these many months. Come December or January, I will wipe out all of these posts, and a new blog will be started and everone here can join me on the journey of one woman who is following her heartfelt dreams and desires... There is much to do... so much left to say... and so much left to talk about, but right now, I am going to log off and enjoy the somewhat melancholy but at the same time peaceful feeling that comes from knowing that one journey is coming to an end soon, but another new and exciting one is about to begin.... I'll be back tomorrow with a less deep but hopefully entertaining post about something I read the other day and my opinions on it... I think I'll make you laugh, but tonight, I'm pensive and contemplative, and later, I hope to have a very important conversation with a very important person in my life. Wish me luck and love and light... I'm going to need all I can muster to make this next step... I know that when I leap, the one who catches me as I'm falling will be the one who will fly with me when I spread my wings in the flicker of a heartbeat... I will fly... Love and stuff, Michy www.accentuateservices.com www.MichelleLDevon.com |
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