Reading an exceprt from, "The Illusionist" by Neil Burger in Script Mag. last night I got the feeling that my pages, even thought closer to proper format than not, still don't read like a movie. I'm being made aware of this the more I read other scripts (usually ones penned by the pros). And it's frustrating the hell out of me. I've been writing four years now, and what about capturing movie events and speech on a page in such-and-such spacing, and such-and-such verb tense am I not getting? I see movies, you see movies, we all see them. We relive favorite scenes like movie moguls in executive suites. We're all critics. "That was a dumb ending. Whatever happened to that character? I saw a plot hole in Terminator. They should have..." It goes on and on. So why after making a study of the craft, practicing, failing, practicing more do my pages not POP with the moment to moment experience?
My writing sucks? Sure, that's a strong possibility. I'm still not getting it? OK. Optimistically, I'm too familiar with my own writing. I like that one. What is it?
BACK TO SCENE
Last night I put Script on the bureau, turned out the light, went two rounds with my pillow and started to slee-- think. My writing. My writing. That scene. This image. The Illusionist. What is Burger doing that I am not? Why do I feel I'm watching a film? Then it comes to me.
One of the writing devices I use in my script (albeit not in the first 20 pages posted) is called, "A SERIES OF QUICK CUTS", and then three or four short, descriptive image sentences to convey the feeling of a quick montage; an F/X; a time lapse; you get the idea. Although not overused, and having a 75% effective rate with contest judges (A Feeding Frenzy had something to say about it), it still didn't really create the effect I wanted. It convey the F/X. It revealed story elements through description and conflict. It was concise, and even the smallest bit clever. But after reading Burger's pages it also wasn't enough.
So in bed, in the dark I kept thinking just about that one bit. Then I came up with the idea of using a thumb nail image, followed by ellipses, and then a widening or panning back from the thumb nail to the rest of the descriptive. Trust me, it makes sense.
Example. A tattooed, scowling biker hunkered over handlebars...slowly strolling a baby carriage on a busy, summer boardwalk at night.
Like that. Did it make sense? Did it work? |
