Austin Girl - Austin Girl: Legend of the Heavenly Sword (first 10)

Austin Girl

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Austin Girl married a selfish creep named Bob who boiled her pet lobster. Seeking revenge, Austin Girl shrunk his favorite cashmere sweater that now fits her Jack Russell Terrier. Bob sought revenge by freezing Austin Girl's gold Visa. She found the plastic card sandwiched between a bag of chicken gizzards and a slab of pork loin. Seeking revenge, Austin Girl hired famous divorce attorney and part-time exorcist, Victor Vice. Bob secretly dates Victor's heavily tattooed and nose-pierced secretary, Witchy Woman. Witchy Woman keeps a voodoo doll on her desk. Austin Girl now masquerades as a Geisha Girl disguised as a hottie female Russian assassin posing as a Bad Actress. http://www.austingirlblog.blogspot.com

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Austin Girl: Legend of the Heavenly Sword (first 10)

This is the first 10-pages of my spoof comedy I wrote last summer in my UCLA master screenwriting classes.

I can't figure out the spacing issue on this BTW.

ADVENTURES OF AUSTIN GIRL: LEGEND OF THE HEAVENLY SWORD by Austin Girl
Registration Number : 1241528

GETTING TO HEAVEN WILL BE ONE HELL OF AN ADVENTURE

The earth. It gets smaller, fading into darkness.

OVER BLACK:

SUPER: "Revenge is a double-edged sword."

FADE OUT:

SUPER: "Don't judge a book by its cover."

FADE OUT:

SUPER: "Looks can be deceiving."

FADE OUT: SUPER: "Please don't wear polyester." FADE OUT:

Austin girl (V.O.) Once upon a time, over the ninth land, beyond thrice kingdom, there existed a planet called Heaven. Heaven never knew darkness, never saw evil.

EXT. HEAVEN - THE GARDEN - DAY Planet Heaven. A sunny day. An open garden with plastic vines and fruit trees. The ARCHANGEL MICHAEL confidently thrusts his sword in the air. He is a male angel of paragon strength. Everything about him is gold except the sword, which is red and yellow. The sword is a toy, made of plastic. A female angel watches mesmerized. Her name is AUSTIN GIRL, red hair and a big wide smile. Her cute wings cling to her body. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) Until one fateful day...a battle broke out across the heavenly plains. Legions of angels scattered like frightened geese, flying across the golden frontier. The angels took sides against each other, many with the Archangel Michael, but many against. A dark cloud. Confused and frightened angels scatter equally across the garden. EXT. HEAVEN - THE GARDEN BLEACHERS - DAY Angels sit on bleachers, staring through binoculars. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) The most beautiful angel turned dark and evil. He desired to be ruler over all the angels, ruler of planet Heaven. EXT. HEAVEN - THE GARDEN - DAY It thunders. A foolish LUCIFER disco dances. Lucifer has boyish looks and wears white spandex, white wings and a white halo. He strokes his bling around his neck. It's an obnoxious Rapper-size key made of fake diamonds. An entourage of midget angels trail. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) This male angel was known as Lucifer. Lightning. Lucifer stops and huddles with his entourage. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) (CONT'D) Legend said that Lucifer tried to steal the Archangel's plastic sword known as the Heavenly Sword. Lucifer breaks from the huddle and skips over to an unsuspected Archangel Michael. Extending his leg out, Lucifer trips Michael. He falls, dropping the sword. The midgets pile on top of Michael as Lucifer snatches his sword. He bolts across the turf, sword tucked under his arm. Austin Girl gives chase and tackles Lucifer. His wings and halo fall off. Retrieving the sword, she waves it in his face, keeping him at bay. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) (CONT'D) Legend also said that when an angel named Austin Girl tackled Lucifer and retrieved the Heavenly sword, it came to life and struck both her and Lucifer in their left arms, leaving a mark. P.O.V. Lucifer's arm - a stick-on tattoo of Pam Grier's face from the movie 'BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA'. P.O.V. Austin Girl's arm - a stick-on tattoo of Pam Grier's face from the movie 'BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA'. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) (CONT'D) The Archangel Michael tossed Lucifer's bony ass out of heaven, banishing him to Planet Hell, where he forever wore a tight red polyester jumpsuit with high Napoleonic collar and a glitzy belt buckle with the word 'DEVIL' emblazed in cheap crystals. EXT. PLANET HEAVEN - DAY Lucifer falls out of the garden, descending from Planet Heaven into space. A pair of costume devil horns and a cardboard sign that reads: 'GO DIRECTLY TO PLANET HELL' trails. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) (CONT'D) And, the Heavenly sword? Well... it disappeared along with Austin Girl... PRESENT DAY EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY SUPER: AUSTIN, TEXAS A foggy winter morning. Everything is cold and dead. AUSTIN GIRL rides a pink Lil Daisy girl's bicycle with training wheels. She's ordinary, in her 20s, living an ordinary life. She coasts down the sidewalk running over the pot holes in cowboy boots and Gingham. EXT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY Three boys (early teens) armed with water pistols block her from passing. She speeds up. They squirt her in the face causing her to crash on the pavement. BOY ONE Get a car. Their juvenile giggles disappear around the corner as a shadow forms behind Austin Girl. It could be a long wait before she rises. AUSTIN GIRL Hell. Grandpa gave me this bike. The shadow is a super hero handsome type who could be 40, but has the body of a 30-year-old. His torso is a paragon of strength. He reaches his arm out, pulling Austin Girl to her feet. She smiles sheepishly, a bit smitten. AUSTIN GIRL (CONT'D) Thank-you, kind stranger. He doesn't speak. He just gives a courtesy nod and a wink. A black hot rod with flames painted down the sides speeds by, splashing Austin Girl with mud from a gutter puddle. It runs the stop light, turning the corner sharply. The car's tag reads: 'HOT.' The stranger straightens Austin Girl's twisted bicycle. Wiping mud off her horn-rimmed glasses and picking mud chunks out of her pig tails, she turns to the stranger, but he has vanished into the morning fog. AUSTIN GIRL (CONT'D) What else could go wrong today? Fumbling for her keys, they drop and land on a white manila envelope left on the ground. It is marked: 'KIDNAPPED' written in red crayola. Tucking it under her arms, she never notices. Leaning her head against the dilapidated door, it creaks open. INT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY An eclectic toy and game store. Nostalgic lunch pails and astronaut freeze-dried ice cream packs fill the shelves. Austin Girl leans her bike against a wall map of outer space and steps over a hula hoop. She gives a glance at a old man's portrait hanging on a blanched wall behind the waterfall. The name on the portrait reads: 'GRANDPA CLUSTER'. An obese fluffy white cat wearing an expensive kitty collar that says: 'ALLERGY' jumps out from behind a dust-coated fake plant. It claws at a dragon stuffed animal suspended from the cob-webbed ceiling. Shuffling over to the register, Austin Girl tosses her 'SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER' backpack on the cracked ***** covered counter. A banging noise at the front door distracts her as she lays the envelope down, never looking. EXT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY MRS. WISDOM rests on her cane, adjusting her hearing aids. She's a feisty old bird who wears Velcro curlers. She wobbles past Austin Girl, entering the store. INT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY Mrs. Wisdom turns. Her eyes look down at Austin Girl's hand. MRS. WISDOM You have blood on your hands, Austin Girl. AUSTIN GIRL I fell off my bike, Mrs. Wisdom. MRS. WISDOM You ride a Lil' Daisy with training wheels. Where's Grandpa? AUSTIN GIRL I haven't seen him since his hot date last night. MRS. WISDOM Date? Who would date that old fart? AUSTIN GIRL Plenty of women find my Grandpa attractive. MRS. WISDOM Like who? AUSTIN GIRL Well -- he met some gal off the Internet. MRS. WISDOM A ****o avatar? AUSTIN GIRL No. She's from out of town. MRS. WISDOM Hussy. AUSTIN GIRL I don't think that was her name. Mrs. Wisdom glances her watch. MRS. WISDOM We have disco lessons. AUSTIN GIRL Disco? MRS. WISDOM Don't look so shocked. This sexy grandma hasn't lost her groove. Austin Girl scoots a box out of the way and picks up the hula hoop from the floor. AUSTIN GIRL Disco dancing is my biggest fear. MRS. WISDOM Horse manure. The best way to overcome a fear is to face it -- head on. Austin Girl watches as Mrs. Wisdom performs a "Saturday Night Fever" dance move. Holding onto the cane with her left hand, she crosses her left foot over the right. Tapping her toe lightly to the floor, she swings her right arm across her body. MRS. WISDOM (CONT'D) The secret to disco is swing your arms one way while your feet go the opposite direction. Returning her left foot, she crosses her right foot over. Tapping her toe lightly to the floor, she swings her left arm with the cane across her body. AUSTIN GIRL I'm uncoordinated. MRS. WISDOM Hogwash. Mrs. Wisdom grabs the hula hoop from Austin Girl, gyrating her hips like a b****** on high-speed. MRS. WISDOM (CONT'D) Men used to drop to their knees and quiver when I performed my hoop of love move. (pause) Give it a try. AUSTIN GIRL No. I can't. MRS. WISDOM Fudge. You young people are no fun. Mrs. Wisdom hands her the hula hoop and exits the store with disappointment. Austin Girl wipes her bloody hand on the white manila envelope, noticing the word "Kidnapped". Collapsing to the floor, she rips it open. Pulling a yellow piece of construction paper with the words marked in red crayola, she reads the note out loud. AUSTIN GIRL (V.O.) I've been kidnapped by sexy grandma. INT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - STAIRS - DAY SKINNY emerges from the top of the stairs. Skinny is a Sumo wrestler-size Japanese stock boy with an untamed ponytail and yellow smiley face tattooed on his arm. He descends the staircase, carrying a large plastic toy chest. INT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY AUSTIN GIRL Hi, Skinny. SKINNY Hey, Austin Girl. I found this toy chest hidden underneath a blanket in the spooky attic upstairs. AUSTIN GIRL Huh? Oh, Grandpa and his toys -- toss it. Skinny shrugs, dropping the chest. It crashes open. A plastic sword dumps out. Skinny excitedly jabs it in the air like a Frat boy discovering a keg of beer. SKINNY Cool. Look, it's got lights. (pause) Why was Grandpa hiding a plastic sword? Austin Girl is jolted from reading the kidnapped note. She stares at the sword with a memory recollection. FLASHBACK TO: SUPER: "Cheesy Childhood Sword Flashback" EXT. RODEO FAIRGROUNDS - DAY Austin, Texas. There are carnival rides and food vendors. Grandpa and a ten-year-old Austin Girl roam the crowded, playful fairgrounds. They stumble through a back door behind an outdoor petting zoo. The sign on the door reads: 'FAUX PAX AUCTIONS'. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - STAGE - DAY The mood is upbeat. A fast-talking male AUCTIONEER, resembling a typical storybook Santa Claus minus the red suit, moves on stage with the agility of a winning racehorse. He holds a microphone. There are three red, shiny curtains behind him marked: 'ONE', 'TWO', and 'THREE'. He hands a very attractive Asian woman a white kimono. AUCTIONEER Sold. Give my lovely assistant, Angel a warm applause. Angel bows. The crowd claps. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - CONCESSION STAND - DAY Grandpa hands Austin Girl a cotton candy. They eat and watch the stage. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - STAGE - day Angel struts confidently like a "Price is Right" girl. She cradles a plastic sword in both hands. An obnoxious tag hangs from the handle that reads: 'THE HEAVENLY SWORD: PROPERTY OF THE HEAVENLY BATTLE.' AUCTIONEER Authentic sword from the Heavenly battle. Bidding starts at ten-thousand dollars. Do I have any takers? INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - CONCESSION STAND - DAY The crowd whispers. Austin Girl notices that Grandpa's attention is divided between eating the cotton candy and the staring at the sword. AUSTIN GIRL Bid on it, Grandpa. GRANDPA That's a lot of money for a plastic sword. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - STAGE - DAY Looking at the shocked faces in the crowd, the Auctioneer shouts in the microphone. AUCTIONEER Bidding starts at one-thousand dollars. INT. Faux pax auctions - concession stand - DAY Austin Girl nudges Grandpa. AUSTIN GIRL The sword is from Heaven. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - STAGE - DAY The Auctioneer watches as Grandpa turns his back, taking a bite of cotton candy and licking his fingers. AUCTIONEER One-thousand-dollars. Going once. INT. FAUX PAX AUCTIONS - CONCESSION STAND - DAY Austin Girl twirls and skips around Grandpa. GRANDPA C'mon, finish your cotton candy Austin Girl. AUSTIN GIRL The sword probably has special powers. Maybe I could ask it to bring mommy and daddy back. AUCTIONEER (O.S.) Going twice. GRANDPA The sword's fake. AUCTIONEER Sold -- to the old fart in the back licking his sticky fingers from the cotton candy. Austin Girl jumps up and down, hugging a dumfounded Grandpa. BACK TO: EXT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY A weathered homeless man strums a guitar to the beat of the sudden wind. He wears a Mexican poncho and smokes a cigar. INT. GRANDPA'S GAMES AND TOY STORE - DAY Austin Girl runs to Skinny, grabbing the sword in a panic. AUSTIN GIRL I think Grandpa's been kidnapped.

Posted: 11:12, 2008-Feb-26

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