Austin Girl

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Austin Girl married a selfish creep named Bob who boiled her pet lobster. Seeking revenge, Austin Girl shrunk his favorite cashmere sweater that now fits her Teacup Poodle. Bob sought revenge by freezing Austin Girl's gold Visa. She found the plastic card sandwiched between a bag of chicken gizzards and a slab of pork loin. Seeking revenge, Austin Girl hired famous divorce attorney and part-time exorcist, Victor Vice. Bob secretly dates Victor's heavily tattooed and nose-pierced secretary, Witchy Woman. Witchy Woman keeps a voodoo doll on her desk. Austin Girl now masquerades as a Geisha Girl disguised as a hottie female Russian assassin posing as a Bad Actress. http://www.austingirlblog.blogspot.com

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Adventures of Austin Girl: Legend of the Serpent Sword (Chapter Three - "Samurai Girl")

This is my spoof comedy treatment on a feature-length screenplay I wrote last summer in my UCLA master screenwriting classes. They are broken down into chapters. (not all posted here). I have the completed treatment and screenplay. As you read this, try to picture a Flash Gordonish type of movie, comic book and video game. But, I do understand that directors may have their own vision and I would NEVER intrude on their creativity if someone wanted to work with me on this further! I am open to suggestion and love creative synergy. ADVENTURES OF AUSTIN GIRL: LEGEND OF THE SERPENT SWORD

A TREATMENT FOR A FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY
Registration Number : 1241528
Originally Story and Screenplay by Austin Girl
http://www.austingirlblog.blogspot.com

THE NEW WORLD ACT TWO/CHAPTER THREE – “SAMURAI GIRL”

Loud Japanese rock music fills the air at the Slice and Dice restaurant. A gracious and warm young GEISHA GIRL (20) behind the coat check-in desk that has a sign, which reads: ‘COAT AND CAT CHECK IN.’ She greets Austin Girl and her fat white fluffy cat named: ‘ALLERGY.’ “I take cat, I take cat,” Austin Girl hesitates. Skinny hurriedly rushes by with a plate of Sushi and tells Austin Girl she is in good hands and to get her cards read by the traveling gypsy in next room. “The cards might tell you the whereabouts of your missing grandpa.” Her cat is snatched from Austin Girl’s tight clutches. She wears her traditional country-girl uniform: Wranglers, Western shirt, boots and red leather jacket.

Geisha Girl escorts Austin Girl down the hallway. Austin Girl trips on loose carpet as she watches Skinny, dressed as Samurai Warrior, sword fight in the main dining room off to the right. The dining guests clap and laugh as they are entertained. Geisha notices Austin Girl’s interest. They walk past an oversized fish tank with one vicious piranha swimming. This is a very expensive tank and the piranha enjoys the tank all to itself. Austin Girl stops at the tank with curiosity. Geisha Girl explains that the piranha thinks it rules the tank. Geisha Girl snaps her fingers. A young boy dressed in a waiter’s uniform approaches with a starfish sitting on a silver platter. Geisha drops the starfish in the tank. The starfish devours the piranha. Austin Girl’s eyes are swelled with confusion. Geisha Girl pauses for dramatic effect and lifts her fist in the air, “Starfish -- warrior.”

Geisha Girl ushers Austin Girl to an intimate room where the tarot card reader is set up. An excessively glittery sign reads: ‘TAROT CARD READINGS BY GYPSY.’ A female hand touches Austin Girl on her right arm. The hand belongs to Gypsy. Dressed in a black velvet robe and weighted down with numerous snake-shaped necklaces, she leads Austin Girl through a vertical beaded curtain into a red-walled room. Austin Girl has this worried look painted on her face. Gypsy breaks the ice and scans the red walls. “These Feng Shui walls are making me hot. Are you hot?” Austin Girl looks around the room and then at her long sleeve red leather jacket, “No.” Gypsy makes a disappointed face.

Austin Girl sits across from Gypsy at a square table with three lit candles and three stacks of cards. Austin Girl’s sinks low in a child’s chair and looks up at Gypsy who sits in an adult chair. A rat runs across the floor unnoticed. She moves the three candles closer to Austin Girl. Austin Girl begins to fan herself from the heat of the flames. Gypsy half-smiles as she flips the top of each stack over revealing cartoon-like pictures. Gesturing to the first card: “Through the meditation and the power of the cards, I see…” She eyes Austin Girl’s long-sleeve jacket, “It’s hot.” Austin Girl is fanning herself and agrees. She removes her jacket exposing her arms. Gypsy spots the tattoo and knocks over one of the candles. The candle drops on her bag. Austin Girl reaches for it. “No! I, mean. I got it.” Gypsy shouts in a panicked tone. Gypsy looks down at her bag.

The Magic Eight Ball lights up red. And, Lucifer’s image is there in the Eight Ball waving his arm. Ignoring the glow of the ball, she zips up the bag and flips over second card. “The first card is the old man. He represents grandpa.” Austin Girl’s eyes are fixated on the cards. Gypsy continues. “The second card is a sword.” Gypsy stares at Austin Girl waiting for a response. Austin Girl points to the third card. “What is the third card?” Gypsy gazes down at the card with horror in her eyes, “The devil card.” Austin Girl’s skin looks sickly pale from the Feng Shui walls and her voice trembles from hearing the mention of the devil card. “Devil? What do these cards mean?”

Gypsy points to all three cards and deciphers the puzzle. ‘The devil has your grandpa and wants his sword in exchange for grandpa.’ Austin Girl stares at her. “What sword?”

SUPER: CHEESY SWORD FLASHBACK

A fat Japanese teenage stock boy named SKINNY enters from the back room holding a toy chest. Skinny wears tattoos and has a long ponytail. “Austin Girl, I found this toy chest underneath a blanket in the attic.” Austin Girl exhaustedly says, “Box it up.” Skinny shrugs but curiously opens it. “Why is your grandpa hiding a plastic sword?” Austin Girl bends down over the toy chest.

RETURN TO PRESENT

Austin Girl responds, “Oh, that sword.” Her eyes radiate a mixed sense of urgency and uncertainty. She runs out of the Feng Shui room.

Skinny performs his entertaining slice and dice act for a throng of hungry people. A shocked Austin Girl bumps into Geisha Girl in the midst of party-goers. She drags a wide-eyed, sniffling Austin Girl to the restaurant’s gift store with a rack full of female Samurai kimonos. “You like?’’ A snotty-nosed Austin Girl wipes her swollen eyes and stares at one amazing white kimono that stands out among the black ones. She points to the white one. Geisha Girl bows and smiles shyly. Geisha Girl speaks to Austin Girl with admiration. “This one belonged to the highest level female Samurai, Tomoe Gozen. She rode into battle and fought valiantly. She was chosen for dangerous scouting missions because of her great skill.” Austin Girl pauses long and asked what happened. Geisha Girl holds her head up high, “She died.” Austin Girl’s eyes enlarge. They begin to fill with rage. She wipes her snotty nose and seizes the kimono with combat determination. Austin Girl realizes what she must do now. Geisha Girl gestures to the fitting room. Austin Girl comes out with her hair wrapped up elegantly, make-up miraculously done, and looking like the warrior she was destined to become.

Skinny notes the worrisome torture in Austin Girl’s eyes. He notices she’s transforming into someone he doesn’t recognize. Skinny shows Austin Girl the blade of his Samurai sword. There is a dead eel resting on a chop block in front of him. “Did you know most eels dwell at the bottom layer of the ocean?” Austin Girl shakes her head no. Skinny slams the sharp blade down, severing the head of the eel. Austin Girl watches like an enthusiastic student. Skinny raises his sword in the air. “Revenge is a double-edged sword.” Skinny calmly sets his sword down on the chop block and wipes his hands with a towel. There is silence as she waits for meaningful wisdom. “I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.” Austin Girl turns around feeling satisfied with that answer. Geisha Girl hands her “Allergy” the overweight cat and STAR the ‘Starfish,’ the piranha-eating warrior. Austin Girl marches out of the Slice and Dice armed with wisdom, a gift and a purpose.

Posted: 08:55, 2008-Feb-28

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Adventures of Austin Girl: Legend of the Serpent Sword (Chapter Two - "The Serpent Sword")

This is my spoof comedy treatment on a feature-length screenplay I wrote last summer in my UCLA master screenwriting classes. They are broken down into chapters. I only have 2 chapters posted here, but have the entire treatment and screenplay.

As you read this, try to picture a Flash Gordonish type of movie, comic book and video game. But, I do understand that directors may have their own vision and I would NEVER intrude on their creativity if someone wanted to work with me on this further! I am open to suggestion and love creative synergy.

ADVENTURES OF AUSTIN GIRL: LEGEND OF THE SERPENT SWORD A TREATMENT FOR A FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY by Austin Girl
Registration Number : 1241528

GETTING TO HEAVEN WILL BE ONE HELL OF AN ADVENTURE
ACT ONE/CHAPTER TWO – “THE SERPENT SWORD”

SUPER: REVENGE IS A DOUBLE-EDGE SWORD

SUPER: DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

SUPER: LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING

SUPER: PLEASE DON'T WEAR POLYESTER

PRESENT DAY. AUSTIN, TEXAS. GRANDPA’S TREASURE STORE.

It’s winter. Everything is cold and dead. AUSTIN GIRL rides a pink Lil Daisy girl’s bicycle with training wheels. She’s ordinary, in her 20s, living an ordinary life. She coasts down the sidewalk running over the pot holes in her vintage dress and cowboy boots.

Austin Girl lives in Austin, Texas with her ridiculously overweight Beagle named ‘FAT BASTARD’ and her white fluffy cat named: ‘ALLERGY.’

Austin Girl rides up to ‘GRANDPA’S TREASURE STORE,’ dilapidated and just plain creepy. Three boys (early teens) armed with water pistols block her from passing. She speeds up. They squirt her in the face causing her to crash on the pavement – her hand bleeding. “Hell,” she complains.

Their juvenile giggles disappear around the corner as a shadow forms behind Austin Girl. The SHADOW belongs to HERALD. Herald is GI-Joe GQ action-figure, bordering on chiseled. He’s a male paragon of strength. But, Herald doesn’t speak now. He’s only a mysterious stranger who helps Austin Girl. The stranger extends his arm out to Austin Girl. “Thank-you kind stranger,” Austin Girl says blushing as if she’s smitten.

A red Dodge Viper speeds by and splashes Austin Girl with mud from a gutter puddle. The Viper runs the stoplight and turns the corner sharply. The car’s tag reads: ‘HOT.’ The stranger hands Austin Girl her tangled bicycle and continues walking down the sidewalk. Wiping mud off her horn-rimmed glasses and picking mud chunks out of her pig tails, she turns to speak, but GI Joe has vanished into the morning winter fog. Austin Girl wipes the mud from her face as she watches him vanish, vanish into the morning fog. She drags her unusable bicycle into the store, mud dangles from her stringy hair. “What else could go wrong today?” She mumbles.

Austin Girl has finally made it to the store. She fumbles for her keys. They drop in the mud. She pauses with disappointment in herself and looks up at the ‘OUT OF BUSINESS’ sign hanging in the window. Austin Girl presses her face against the glass door of the 19th Century dilapidated house. It opens and she falls down on the ghostly sounding wood floors. The downstairs has been converted into a treasure gift store full of scary costumes and odd trinkets. The place gives the appearance of a haunted castle. There is a rushing waterfall in the center with towering dust-coated fake and stuffed demons and dragons suspending from the cob-webbed ceiling. Grandpa Clester’s eclectic portrait hangs at the front entrance. His tormented eyes haunt Austin Girl. It’s as if his eyes are calling out her name. Her enormous white fluffy cat named ‘ALLERGY’ claws at the dragon tail of a stuffed animal while ‘FAT BASTARD’ watches.

Grandpa’s treasure store is shutting down. Austin Girl can’t manage the books and orders the wrong merchandise. Grandpa disappeared three-days ago. Austin Girl tosses a stack of ‘Past Due’ notices in the trash can. She stuffs dragon toys in a moving box.

An older woman bangs on the glass front door with her cane, gesturing to Austin Girl to let her come inside. Austin Girl ambles over with her head down and unlocks the door, “Sorry, Mrs. Wisdom, but the store is closed.” Mrs. Wisdom looks at her watch. “That’s the problem with you young folks, take too many breaks.” Austin Girl is embarrassed. “Grandpa’s Treasure Store is shutting down permanently.” Mrs. Wisdom is feisty and old. “Why?” Austin Girl dangles a demon doll with bat wings by its throat and tells her that no one bought anything. Mrs. Wisdom glances at the doll and then peaks her head inside. “Too dark. Turn on some god damn lights.” She stumbles down the sidewalk with her cane.

A fat Japanese teenage stock boy named SKINNY (20ish) enters from the back room holding a toy chest. Skinny wears tattoos and has a long ponytail. His personality is somewhere between a really bad Kung Fu movie and a vintage electric guitar.

“Austin Girl, I found this toy chest underneath a blanket in the attic.” Austin Girl exhaustedly says, “Box it up.” Skinny shrugs but curiously opens it. “Looks like grandpa collected swords.” Austin Girl bends down over the toy chest, staring at the sword. She is swept away with one of those annoyingly cheesy childhood flashback memories.

SUPER: CHEESY CHILDHOOD ANNOYING FLASHBACK

Grandpa and a ten-year-old Austin Girl are roaming the Austin, Texas fairgrounds. There is a traveling auction show set up in an off-the-beaten room. A male AUCTIONEER wearing a white beard and a fast-talking tongue rattles off the next item up for bid. He spots grandpa buying Austin Girl cotton candy from the concession stand a few yards away. The auctioneer has just finished yelling, ‘Sold’ as his enchanting assistant, Angel, hands off a white Japanese Kimono to an Asian woman. Angel brings the next item up for bid from behind curtain number three. There are three curtains and they are marked: one, two and three. Angel walks on stage like a ‘PRICE IS RIGHT’ girl and hands the auctioneer a plastic sword.

The auctioneer starts the bid off at a ridiculously high amount. No one is about to pay that for a plastic sword even if it does come with a tag of authenticity stating it’s from the heavenly battle. Grandpa eats a bite of Austin Girl’s cotton candy. He licks his fingers from the stickiness. Angel mistakes grandpa’s finger as an interest in bidding on the sword. The auctioneer yells ‘Sold’ to the old man licking his fingers from the sticky cotton candy. Grandpa gazes at the sword in the auctioneer’s hand. The auctioneer returns his gaze and nods his head.

RETURN TO PRESENT

Austin Girl pulls out the plastic sword. “It’s my fault that Grandpa disappeared.” Skinny shoots her sympathetic words of comfort. “Austin Girl, you were overly protective of Grandpa.” Austin Girl looks up at him. “He's my only family.” Skinny walks over to the computer at the checkout counter and pulls up a dating Web site called: SEXYGRANDMAS.COM’ “You denied your Grandpa to list his profile on this dating Web site.”

“No one can replace Grandma.” Austin Girl explains. Skinny says, “You drove him away.” Austin Girl is in tears, “Now, I only have this silly plastic sword as a memory of Grandpa.” Austin Girl waves the sword in the air like she’s commanding a symphony. The sword is silver with two red painted dots at the tip of the blade. The dots look like eyes. A tag of authenticity hangs from the sword’s white handle. It reads: ‘SERPENT SWORD – PROPERTY OF THE HEAVENLY BATTLE.’

Austin Girl shoves a moving box out of the way with her feet. She jabs the sword in the ‘FORECLOSURE’ notice that sits on the counter but the sword slips out of her hand and falls to her feet. Skinny tries to hide a laugh in his hand. Skinny demonstrates the ancient way to hold a warrior sword. He stands side-by-side with her while they both parry thrust the sword across the store. Outside, an old man sits on a bench. He wears a poncho and plays his guitar. He strums fast to the beat of Austin Girl and Skinny’s feet. Austin Girl is starting to breathe with confidence for the first time. Smiling with combat hunger, she flies across the floor, slicing a demon stuffed toy. Skinny watches on with amazement as stuffing floats in the air and lands on his face.

Austin Girl asked Skinny where he learned about swords. Skinny tells her from his weekend job as Samurai chef at the ‘SLICE AND DICE,’ and he’s also a descendent of the great Samurai Warrior: ‘FAT BOY.’ He invites her to come by the Slice and Dice restaurant that night for an authentic Japanese warrior party. They will even have a free tarot card reader.

Before he exits, he educates Austin Girl by leaving her with these lasting words about a sword: “Only a sword’s rightful handler can fight their nemesis.” Austin Girl’s eyes are fixated on the plastic sword. With the word ‘nemesis’ lingering in the air, we cut to…

SUPER: HELL

Seventies-inspired atmosphere. A majestic discotheque complex enclosed by fortified psychedelic walls. A volcano bellows in the background like an American Graffiti hot rod. A disco strobe light suspends from the ceiling. A 1960 black Chevy Pie Wagon pulls up like a lazy shark. It’s decked out ‘HOT ROD CUSTOM STYLE’ with flames painted down the sides and hood. Disco music blares from the car’s speakers. The car door opens. Python cowboy boots emerge from the driver’s seat. It’s LUCIFER (30ish). Boyishly handsome. Wrapped in a black oil duster with chiseled hair, he stretches and yawns.

Stepping out, he pulls admiring glances from his trio of scantily-clad sex kittens. The trio fawn excessively over him like groupies to a rock star. The trio of kittens are three young (20ish), deliciously hot females with bat-wings, whiskers and dragon tails.

Wrapped in a black leather oil duster, Lucifer marvels at his reflection in a smoke-stained oval-mirror that has the words: ‘EVIL’ embossed in gold above it. His hair, chiseled into a dark, shiny perfection. Grinning, he adjusts his small red plastic fake horns and lights the candy cigarette in his mouth with a lighter that has a logo of a ‘RED DEVIL.’

One of the kittens brings Lucifer a red folder marked: ‘CHANGED MIND.’ Lucifer stomps on the folder. “My reputation is at stake.” The kitten sympathizes. Lucifer turns his attention to GRANDPA (65) who is in pretty good shape for his age. Lucifer is holding Grandpa for ransom because Grandpa knows where Lucifer’s serpent sword is.

Grandpa sits tied up at the base of the volcano, which at dangerously high temperatures will erupt and send massive amounts of hot, melting lava his way. Lucifer walks over to a panel with three control knobs that have temperature gauge readings. The first knob reads: ‘HOT.’ The second knob reads: ‘VERY HOT.’ The third knob reads: ‘DAMN HOT.’ Lucifer cranks the first knob. Grandpa looks up at the billowing smoke and shooting ash. He tries to wiggle loose from the ropes. Lucifer talks with the candy cigarette jammed in his mouth and animates when he speaks like he’s playing the game Charades. “Where’s my serpent sword, grandpa?” Grandpa endures the obvious pain. “Go to hell, Lucifer.” Lucifer was afraid grandpa would spit out something ridiculously silly like that.

With grandpa’s childish remarks, Lucifer struts to a python-skinned desk with a computer and wireless hookup. He snatches a Magic Eight Ball resting on a lion’s head protruding from the fiery wall. Lucifer only has two devices for communicating to the outside world: The Internet and his First Lieutenant, the foolish GYPSY QUEEN (20ish). Gypsy’s eyes are as obedient as an untrained puppy. She wears curly hair and a crooked smile. But, Gypsy can travel outside of hell because she is a rogue demon who was not banished permanently by the orders of the Archangel Michael. So, Gypsy travels freely and does the devil’s dirty work. The devil tolerates Gypsy and promises her that one day she can have computer access.

Lucifer introduces Grandpa to Gypsy, Gypsy to Grandpa. “Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, it’s time for business,” Lucifer barks. Lucifer instructs Gypsy to travel to Austin, Texas and find grandpa’s granddaughter, Austin Girl. “If you find Austin Girl, you will find my sword,” he orders. Grandpa interrupts and pleads. He tells Lucifer that Austin Girl doesn’t know anything about the serpent sword. Leave Austin Girl out of this battle.

Lucifer attempts to blow smoke from his candy cigarette in grandpa’s face, but it’s hopeless. “Grandpa, if I don’t get my serpent sword back, then folks have to sign contracts with me for their souls. The whole contract process is lengthy and time-consuming; not-to-mention people change their minds (waves red folder in Grandpa's face -- the red folder with the words: 'CHANGED MIND.'). And, then, where does that leave me?” The devil whimpers childishly. Grandpa answers with a condescending question, “Soulless?”

Dancing like he’s competing on ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS,’ the devil whistles a different tune. “With my serpent sword, I can roam freely and steal souls without burdensome contracts.” Gypsy’s eyes flicker in a flippant manner towards Lucifer.

Lucifer hands Gypsy the Magic Eight Ball. “I’m watching you.” Gypsy drags her eyes inside the Eight Ball and sees Lucifer’s reflection. He speaks to her through the ball: “Gypsy? Why are you still here? Get to Austin and bring me Austin Girl.” Gypsy speaks into the Magic Eight Ball. “How will I find this Austin Girl?” Lucifer rolls his head like he has a knot in his neck. And, then he takes a deep inhale using his entire body like in yoga. “The serpent sword struck Austin Girl’s upper right arm during the heavenly battle. She’s tattooed like me.” He shows off his tattooed arm. It’s a ‘SMILEY FACE’ symbol, looks silly and fake like those rub off tattoos. Lucifer whines: “Find my sword, or I will unleash my trio of kittens on you.”

Gypsy’s head pops up, eyes wide open. A frightened Gypsy turns her attention to the trio. They claw and hiss at Gypsy. Gypsy jumps back and screams, “But, devil, you know I’m deathly allergic to cats.” Lucifer exhales his candy cigarette and grins devilishly, “Meow.”

Posted: 11:12, 2008-Feb-26

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