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I really need a screenwriter's help

synopsis paragraph one

09:07, 2006-Jul-13 .. 1 comments .. Link
Van Mosley is a small time, small-town banker in Orange, Texas, who has a comfortable, but going-nowhere life.  He serves on several local charitable boards, including the Orange Chapter of the American Red Cross.   The office of the Red Cross is located across the street from his home. For 3 weeks this the chapter has been the site of a full-sclae recovery/refugee operation as thousands of refugees of Hurricane katrina pur over the Louisiana border into this border town.  Now, inder beauitiful blue skies, Van and Martin Robertson, the Red Cross President, discuss what looms just days beyond the horizon.  Another  hurricane, this one potentially stronger than Katrina, and headed directly for them.  Katrina, a curse to Louisianans, will becomes somewhat of a blessing to southeast Texans.  Historically unheeded warnings from officials to leave when hurricanes threaten are taken seriously after the citizens of Orange realize that theses deadly storms are forces with which to be reckoned.  Van does not want to leave, nor does his wife, but they have childeren to consider, and make an early decision to evacuate.  All that is left is the preparation and the wait.  After talking to his brother on the phone, it is agreed that Van should bring his father along with him.  Knowing that the extra person will require a second vehicle, he then  decides to ask his stepfather to join them in the evacuation.  Somewhat devilishly, he arragnes for the two older men to ride together alone in a truck.  The two men were once married to Van's mother, who has died just four months earlier.  They have rarely talked, and have never liked each other.  As they begin their evacuation from Orange to San Antonio, they fell as if an adventure has just begun.  Shortly after they set off, they are entangled in a traffic jam of historical proportions.  The next tweny hours will be hell on wheels.  It will be frightening for Van ans his wife, and worse for the two fathers as they realize this will not be a quick trip......
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So far so good

08:46, 2006-Jul-14 .. Posted by Anonymous
Mark,

Nice start. 1st, always use present tense verbs. 2nd, check spelling. It's nitpicky I know; but it counts.

The Red Cross job will be a good stage to show hurricane stuff looming over the sleepy town of Orange. "What if" they were Van's warnings being ignored? Now it's a personal obstacle for your MC to overcome, maybe feel guilty about lewaving his town folks behind, or leaving them first. The 2 cars thing making dads ride together good. World's largest traffic jam, good.

Some of the stuff in the middle was superfluous. van and wife wait. Always make them proactive. Waiting passive. Slows story momentum. Try and shorten this paragraph. Ask, "What is the state of my MC's world at beginning of story?" And "How is that state thrown out of balance?" Besides hurricane is there an emotional crisis befalling Van?

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